


Let's fade together, let's fade forever

by cigarettesandalcohol



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Historical RPF
Genre: Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Forgive Me, I imagine Heaven as a waiting room, Laurens and von Katte are instatnt BFFs, Laurens and von Katte are obviously dead since they're in Heaven, Letters, M/M, Some crying, inspired by song 'Fade Together', it takes place in Heaven, overly emotional boys, two most tragic lovestories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:53:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7626490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cigarettesandalcohol/pseuds/cigarettesandalcohol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a place in Heaven where souls can wait for their loved ones.<br/>John Laurens comes here ready to wait patiently for his dearest Alex to join him one day; in the meantime, he befriends a handsome young man of Prussian descent and tragic backstory, Hans Hermann von Katte.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So far away

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for my English and any possible mistakes, you will find out I'm not a native English speaker very soon.  
> I just had to combine two tragic love-stories from 18th century - John Laurens & Alexander Hamilton and Hans Hermann von Katte & prince Frederick (future Frederick the Great). And - what other place should this story set in than Heaven? (both Laurens and Katte totally deserve Heaven!).  
> I really do apologize - but I can't help it; I imagine Heaven as a giant waiting room - at least for this story.  
> The first chapter has 1,730 words - 1730 is the year von Katte died.
> 
> It's not supposed to be musical fanfic nor historical RPF - it's just about those two couples and it sets in Heaven, yeah. So I put it under both "Hamilton" and "18th century RPF" tags, don't kill me please. And von Katte needs some love too!
> 
> And this whole story is inspired by the song "Fade Together" by Franz Ferdinand.

"May I - may I join you?"

Young man in uniform - John couldn't identify the country of origin of that uniform - looked up from the book which he was reading.

"Of course, take a seat," he smiled and shifted to the side of the bench. 

John did as he was told. He didn't chose this place by accident; it was his intention to sit next to this man. There were almost no other people of such young age in sight; and John felt some strange sympathy towards this lad. It might have been because of his youth - he appeared to be about the same age as John himself - or maybe it was the uniform that caught his attention in first place? A fellow soldier? Which army did he fight in? The uniform he was wearing looked a bit old for today's fashion. 

"I'm sorry to bother you again but - you were a soldier?"

The man closed his book - and glanced at John again. "Yes - but it's not the reason...the reason why I'm here."

"Oh. I really do apologize, I know I'm being a bit...rude, and that this question might seem indelicate - but what is the reason why are you here? I mean - you are so young - and if it wasn't war what brought you in here - "

"You are very young as well," the man protested with a smile.

"It _was_ war in my case," Laurens countered.

"Alright, alright. I'm giving up." The man laughed, but his beautiful hazel eyes remained calm and melancholically dreamy. "May I at least know your name?"

"Sure - I'm John Laurens. Lieutenant colonel Laurens."

"Hans Hermann von Katte - _lieutenant von Katte_ , if you insist on our army ranks," he chuckled and shook Laurens' hand.

" _Von Katte_? So you're a nobleman, I see - I had friends with noble titles too, from France and Prussia - "

"Prussia. That's where I'm from."

"I was born in South Carolina," John laughed quietly. "Well, that's what I call a distance. How old are you? It's very rare to see people of this age - "

"Twenty-six. Forever twenty-six," his disconsolate sight was full of tender sadness, which somehow suited him.

"We're almost the same age then! I mean - I'm sorry to annoy you like this, but I _knew_ there was some special kind of bond between as from the moment I saw you - I knew there is more we have in common than uniform and military ranks. I'm only one year older; I know - it means nothing - I'm just...happy?" He looked at Katte as if he was expecting help with understanding his own emotions. "Isn't it strange to say you're _happy_ in a place like this?"

"No," von Katte gave him a reassuring smile. "It's perfectly normal to feel all the different emotions as you used to...when you were alive."

"Alright. Then I guess I'm happy because I feel like I found someone whose doom has been similar to mine."

"I'm afraid I may disappoint you soon, my dear Laurens."

The three words at the end of his statement made John's heart skip a beat. _My dear Laurens_. _My dear Laurens - My dearest John - My beloved - My love_. He could clearly remember how there greetings stood alone at the left upper corner of the letters he used to receive every week. Sometimes they started with "My dear Laurens" and were full of informations about Congress and news from New Jersey - and sometimes, they were shorter and passionate, probably written in a feverish madness; John could see Alexander scratching all the words just as they were forming inside his mind, not thinking about the style or syntax - and in the end the whole letter turned into a frantically repetitive chant "Please, please, write me you're coming back, I cannot live without you near me, I cannot breathe, I cannot eat, I cannot seem to think about anything else than you; you in South Carolina, so far away from here - please, come back, let me feel the pleasure of your presence again, or else I might go mad". Letters of this nature were the ones starting with "My Love" and ending with a florid vow of eternal adoration; they were also the shortest, urgent and most cherished by Laurens.

 He snapped out of his memories. "Uh - I'm sorry - what did you say?"

"You might become very disappointed in me soon."

"No way! Do I have any right to judge you? No! I there's a bond between us - I'm not sure if it's the right word, but it is something that connects us. You were a soldier, I was a soldier too, we're almost the same age, and we both came here to wait for - - - for those whom we left behind, our dear ones - "

"Please, let me explain this before - "

"No - we both are waiting for our loved ones, and that's the only thing that matters. How long have you been here?"

Katte's face d with an almost guilty smile. "Over fifty years..."

John gasped in surprise but then let out a lighthearted laugh. Katte was watching his reaction with a genuine surprise.

"Over fifty years, you say? I would wait twice longer," John added, suddenly all serious. "It's worth it."

"It's really not that bad - the time flies so fast here, ten years pass like ten hours, sometimes ten minutes... I haven't even finished this book yet - "

"Thank God," Laurens closed his eyes and smiled. "Thank God for that. I'm just so glad that time's running fast here. I cannot wait - "

"I know."

"I cannot wait to see him again - "

"I know - "

 The both realized it at the same moment. Von Katte winced and turned his head slowly to John, whose face quickly turned deep crimson.

 "Did you really say - "

John avoided all eye contact and pretented to be interested in the look of his shoes, though his cheeks were burning.

" - that you can't wait for _him_?"

"Um - "

"Thank God!" It was the first time Katte's voice had no signs of sadness and gloom - it rose up with relief. "It changes everything!"

"I - I don't understand..."

"Tell me _who exactly_ are you waiting for."

"A friend," John answered immediately and then he added in a lower voice: "A friend whom I love too much - more than it's acceptable."

"Me too!" Katte's eyes previously filled with melancholical sadness were shining with enthusiasm. "I love him more than it's usual for two men - "

A smile spread on John Laurens' face. "I think I understand now." He had no doubts he's found someone _really similar_.

 "Do you long to wait for thousand years just to see _him_ once again?" Von Katte's behaviour was no longer detached; his speech was full of zeal and eagerness.

"God, yes! I need to see him - and I need to tell him everything - because  I never - " he started in a choked voice. He had to take another deep breath to finish his line. "I have never confessed my love."

The dreamy sadness has returned on Prussian's face as he nodded sympathetically and placed his hand on John's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "You will get the chance to correct it."

"I feel really bad for this - he's always been so open about his feelings, he would never stop with his odes and confessions, all his passionate letters. I never wrote more than one letter a week while he was sometimes writing them on daily basis; and every other letter was written just to assure me of his unalterable feelings."

"Love confessions aren't everything - "

"I should have told him!" Laurens' voice cracked in despair. Why, why he had to be so stupid and hide his emotions? He saved every letter Alex wrote, yet he never bothered to answer with the same enthusiasm. What was he afraid of?

"Sometimes," Katte tried to explain, "confessing your love makes everything worse."

"Do you think so?"

"I _know_ that. I spent the last two years of my life declaring my love for _him_ \- and I wouldn't change that even if I had the chance. It was worth it. Every single time - " A faraway look in his eyes clearly implied that his mind was wandering somewhere in the past. "His eyes filled with tears the first time I told him. He wasn't used to this kind of emotions and feelings - in fact, he wasn't used to _any_ kind of emotions. His father - his father wanted him to be a soldier, to fight and bring fear and death, and there was no love nor understanding in their relationship... My Frederick - he was completely opposed to his father. Gentle. Educated. Sensitive. And so vulnerable - I have never met anyone as helpless and tragically sad in their life - "

 "Oh."

"I'm sorry, I don't want to get carried away by the memories, I don't mean to tire you - "

"No, please, it's not tiring at all! Please, continue!" Laurens didn't mean to sound so eager though he couldn't help it. The mention of Katte's _dearest friend_ 's father was a painful reminder of his own father's temperament; maybe that was the reason why he wanted to hear the whole story so much.

"There's really not so much to tell anyway. What's the name of your...beloved?"

"Alexander."

"So our little companionship is all about the stories of _John and Alexander_ and _Hans and Frederick_."

"I guess so."

"Alright then. You must tell me more about yourself and Alexander - "

"But first, _you_ need to finish _your_ story!" Laurens reminded him.

"Maybe," Katte hesitated, "maybe there is something you should know."

"Hm?"

"Frederick is now the king of Prussia."

Oh. It took him a few breaths and at least three attempts to speak to finally let out at least "I see" although it didn't quite captured his surprise. "I see."

"That's it. That's the whole story and the whole problem. His father was so rough with him - no patience, no understanding, no sympathy. I tried to defend my prince, I tried my best to protect him, help him and save him from his everyday prison in his father's empire - Frederick was so scared and lonely and - and I promised I'd do everything to make him happy. God knows I tried."

"Oh my God," Laurens whispered. _So this is why von Katte is here - because of his love and devotion_.

"God knows I tried," Katte repeated with a sigh. "And God knows I failed terribly."


	2. Come on I'll take you far away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH for the support. I love you all! <3
> 
> (long live Fratte shippers! And Lams shippers too! About six years ago, I first learnt about Hamilton/Laurens relationship and I searched the whole Internet for fics... I found about ten of them? And now.. I'm speechless. Shipping everywhere I look. Isn't life amazing?) :D
> 
> What time is it? Flashback time! Parts written in italics are flashbacks, I think that's obvious.  
> I should really rename this story to "Sad gays in heaven". Again, sorry for any possible mistakes in my English, I'm really doing the best I can.

_"Why, why does it always have to end like this?"_

_Sobbing of the young prince was half muted by the handkerchief he was pressing on his lips, yet his whimpering was still audible and this sound was tearing Katte's heart apart as well as the sight of his prince collapsed in an armchair, his body shaking with both crying and anger._

_"He was talking about you," Frederick continued in a weak voice. "He was talking nonsense - if you only heard him! I couldn't let him drag your name through mud, I would never let him do that - "_

_"My prince..."_

_"I just cannot let him hurt the person I love the most! Katte, I swear I will kill him if he says one more thing against you, I swear I will!"_

_"No, no, don't think about him and the things he said, mon cher prince; you mustn't get carried away by anger, he's your father - "_

_"He's a tyrant with a battle plan instead of his heart - "_

_" - and he's not here right now." Katte kneeled next to the armchair and took the prince's face in his hand, caressing his wet cheeks with his fingertips. Frederick forced a smile on his lips, eyes still full of tears. "Mon cher Fréderick, don't waste your tears on him, save strenght for pleasant emotions. Your face is far too beautiful to be marked by sorrow, and your eyes lose their sparkle when full of tears. It's breaking my heart to see my beautiful prince crying." He rubbed away the one tear which was running down Frederick's cheek. "Mon amour, do you really want to break your loving servant's heart?" He took Frederick's limp right hand into his and kissed its back softly, lips touching the pale skin as lightly as possible._

_"Katte - " Frederick placed his hand on von Katte's head and let it rest there, fingers tangling with the lieutenant's fluffy chestnut hair. "Why are we doomed to live like this?"_

 

 

Silence fell upon them; John couldn't seem to find the right words and he already felt stupid for asking so much without considering the possibility of Katte's backstory being tragic. Now he had no desire to make it even worse.

"I hope I didn't scare you," Katte finally spoke, much to John's relief. "I didn't mean to."

"If I understand it right... you became too close to the young prince to his father's liking?"

Katte laughed. "I wouldn't use the words you did but actually you're right. His father was a paranoid old man, he thought Frederick and I were involved in the plans to overthrow him; I think it just shows how little he knew about his own son, Frederick had no intention to take the throne sooner than it'd be neccessary. Still, his father suspected him, and I felt like he had paid all the people of the court to spy on us. I'm not even sure what he was afraid of more - the thought of Frederick being with me or the thought of Frederick plotting against him?"

"It seems to me that his father and mine would find a common ground," Laurens said bitterly.

"Really?"

He nodded. "Thankfully, my father had never learnt about Alexander. He still called me _the family disgrace_ anyway - "

Von Katte blinked with surprise. "Why?"

"I had no desire to run the family plantation - that plantation was one of those things he's been proudest of. Maybe I made him angry by my decision to rather join the army; I simply couldn't imagine spending my life watching slaves work on the fields of family plantation. Then there's the other thing that might have given him a reason to hate me - my marriage."

A confused frown crossed Katte's face. "You...got married?" he asked, unsure if he'd heard right.

"Yes - and I have to admit it was the worst decision I've ever made. It was nothing else than an act of desperation - both the marriage and what happened before...well, everything surrounding the marriage was a terrible mistake."

The scowl on the Prussian's face slowly melted into an amused smile. "How did it happen?"

John Laurens sighed, he considered his marriage to be the biggest mistake of his life and he was definitely not proud of it. "Will you believe me when I say I don't remember much of it?"

"What - were you drunk all the time?" Katte laughed but stopped immediately when he saw how pitiful John looked. "Oh - you _actually were_."

"The night I met her, yes. I don't remember much, really. It was during my studies in London. Her name was Martha and she was wearing green dress the first time I saw her... and I don't even know who introduced us." His eyes wandered around a bit. "There's so much to be ashamed of."

"You don't have to talk about it if it bothers you - "

"No, I _need_ to talk about it - it helps me to overcome it. When she told me she's pregnant, all I could think of was how to run away, how to avoid all the responsibility; I know I was a coward at the moment, and I know I would have ran away if I had the chance - but it turned out her father and mine were old friends; and I assume my father would kill me if he found out I got his friend's daughter pregnant and didn't marry her... She wasn't happy about it either; we were both trapped... and wedding seemed as the only acceptable solution. Everything happened so quickly after that - the wedding day is just a blur in my memories.... I decided to return to South Carolina as soon as possible. Martha didn't mind; we agreed that the marriage was only a way to save our child from being illegitimate." He put his head in his hands and rubbed his temples. "I left for the States after two months, hoping that I could leave everything that happened in London behind. I tried to erase it from my past, which proved to be impossible. Everyone in the States somehow knew about it, I suspect my father wrote to his friends about my shameful situation in London, and the rumors spread..."

"And Alexander?"

Laurens raised his head. "I didn't want to tell him, but he heard it from somebody else. Do you know how miserable I felt when he mentioned he knows about my rushed marriage?"

Katte nodded slowly in a wordless sympathy. 

"He still loved me though." John let out short desperate laugh. "He only said that humans tend to make mistakes. And that was it." He bit his lower lip. "He called it _an understandable mistake_ and he never tried to talk about it again; but I know he was hurt. He thought...he probably thought I was having fun in London, fooling around with all the girls in the city until one of them got pregnant - which was not true. I felt desperately lonely there and I missed him every minute."

"Did you tell him?"

"I hope I did."

 

 

_He was staring into the ceiling of their shared hut, head buzzing with all the alcohol he's drunk tonight. The stale air in the room wasn't helping his effort to fall asleep much; he tried to get lulled by the calming sound of Alexander's regular breathing but it didn't work._

_He shouldn't have drunk so much. The memory of lukewarm beer and cheap poor quality whiskey made his stomach clench; he needed fresh air. With a sigh, he got up and made a couple of wobbly steps towards the door, trying his best to be quiet - he was already reaching for the handle when he felt cold sweat bead out on his forehead and his back. Maybe it was time to stop for a moment and take a few deep breaths, maybe he got up too quickly -_

_The world slipped away under his feet and the sound of his blood rushing in his ears overwhelmed him for a while._

_"John? For God's sake, John!"_

_He could tell it was Alexander even before he opened his eyes. Hamilton's face, drowsy and pale, with ruffled hair falling into it was probably the best thing he had ever woken to._

_"John, are you alright? I heard the noise - "_

_"It's nothing, I swear." He tried to sound sure and convincingly, although he had no energy for that and all he cared about at the moment was the expression of infinite protection on Alexander's face. "I probably just fainted. Don't worry about me."_

_"You've been drinking too much, John. Let me help you get up - "_

_"No, lie down with me. It's comfortable here."_

_Hamilton watched him in disbelief for a few seconds. "Alright," he eventually agreed._

_John could rather feel than see how Hamilton lowered himself onto the floor with a quiet laugh. "I don't think I'm drunk enough for this."_

_"You don't need to be drunk, Alexander." He let the word 'Alexander' roll across the tip of his tongue with obvious pleasure. "Alexander," he said again and closed his eyes. He didn't need to add anything else._  
_Hamilton laid his right hand on top of John's left one. "I really don't mind being awaken in the middle of the night by you."_

_Their fingers entangled nearly spontaneously._

_They spent that night lying on the floor of their hut in the military camp in the middle of the war and they couldn't care less._


	3. Let's get away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to you all!
> 
> I think I'll start shipping Laurens/von Katte soon. (not in this story. They are just...bros).  
> And honestly I can't wait for Katte to reveal the truth about his death and all its...circumstances.
> 
> As always, I'm sorry for mistakes!  
> Enjoy! ;) <3

_"Where are you taking me?"_  
  
_It wasn't that Katte wouldn't like to be dragged to a mysterious place by Frederick; it was just the fear of being caught in the palace garden in the middle of the night with the crown prince. Anyone could see them, and anyone could easily report them to the king. It happened a couple times in the past, and its consequences were not good, especially not for the young prince who had to have a face-to-face debate with his father and ended up with some more bruises._  
  
_Frederick tightened the grip of his hand. "You will see."_  
  
_"Mon prince..."_  
  
_"Sssh." The prince turned to him to covered his mouth with his free hand. "You don't like it when I take the lead?"_  
  
_"I love you no matter what you do," von Katte muttered into the prince's hand._  
  
_"Your love will kill me one day, Hans. And I will embrace such death with tears of happiness in my eyes."_  
  
_Von Katte's eyes gave him helplessly lost gaze. "Please, don't talk like that, mon prince."_  
  
_"You're right. You're always right. Let's go. I want to take you to the lake - "_  
  
_"Now?"_  
  
_"Come on!"_

_There was something so pure and romantic in Frederick's behaviour that made Katte fall in love madly over and over again; all it took was one word, one gesture, one look from Frederick and he was helpless._

_"I would follow you to the end of the world, mon prince."_  
  
   
  
  
"I feel like I don't remember the most important moments of my life... I don't know why," Laurens shrugged, eyes fixed somewhere on the horizon. "I can't remember the first time I saw him or talked to him. I should remember these things, shouldn't I?"  
  
"You can't say that; nobody can tell which of your memories should stay with you and which shouldn't."  
  
"I should remember the moment I saw the most important person in my life for the first time, that's... that's what people do."  
  
"That's what people do _in books_."  
  
"I want to remember that... but it feels like there was nothing in my life - I recall only a few things from my childhood and my life before Alexander, I remember certain things and people, there was my father and his plantation in South Carolina, my studies there and then my studies in London, and of course my... _my wife_..., but it's all just glimpses. Then he came and... and suddenly, out of nowhere, he was there and everything was complete. Everything I remember clearly is somehow connected to him - except for the damn first meeting. Why don't I remember that?"  
  
"You didn't know at the time that he was going to be important for you."  
  
"I feel stupid for this."  
  
Katte just laughed "You don't have to" and patted his shoulder cheerily. "I don't really remember the first time I laid eyes on mon prince as well... I only remember the first time I heard his voice."  
  
"That sounds romantic," Laurens admitted and Katte, delighted by his reaction, quickly blurted: "It was indeed!" Laurens had to smile at the eager passion that showed from time to time in Prussian's speech.  
  
"Have you ever heard how rough the German language sounds?"  
  
"Yes I had the pleasure," John smiled widely, all worries and regrets forgotten, "we had a few Prussian soldiers in the army."  
  
"Then you must know it sounds like you can't speak that language with elegance and grace, doesn't it?"  
  
"Well...yes."  
  
"It was different with Frederick. He put music into that language. He was not speaking - he was singing it. Even German was charming and elegant when coming from his lips... Of course he had always prefered French, we spoke French whenever we could. The old king hated anything related to France, Frederick, as always, took the completely different route."  
  
"French language is beautiful. Alexander used to speak it sometimes as well, sometimes as a translator, and sometimes, he did it only for me, just to...just to be able to say I love you in every way he was able to."  
  
" _Nos chéris sont éduqués et intelligents, sont-ils pas_?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I've never learnt more than it was neccessary..."  
  
"But you understand what I said?"  
  
"That _our beloveds are very smart and educated_?" he asked with little hesitation.  
  
" _Trés bien_. That's why we love them."  
  
They smiled at each other with complete understanding.  
  
"But do we even deserve them?" John asked carefully.  
  
This was the question that haunted him his whole life, and he couldn't stop thinking about it now. Does he deserve Alexander Hamilton? Why should he have any right to be even close to a man as brave and bold and genial as Hamilton? Hamilton had to overcome so many obstacles in his life, Laurens had none. They were both from completely different backgrounds. The oldest son of a wealthy plantation owner, member of South Carolinian aristocracy - and an orphan from a caribbean island, penniless but persistent. What has John ever done to deserve him?  
  
"Why would we need _to deserve_ them?"  
  
"I still don't know much about you and Frederick... but in my case, I feel like I should have done much more for him. I didn't have any right to be with him... and I still don't have."  
  
"Well," Katte smiled almost shyly, " _I did everything_ and I still feel I should have tried harder. It doesn't mean we don't deserve them though. I was born into an aristocratic family, one might say that aristocrats are allowed to do anything in their lives since they have money and power - but do you think I had the right, given by some...higher power...to steal kisses from the lips of the crown prince of Prussia? Of course not. What have I done to deserve the pleasure of caressing his face, admiring his eyes and listening to him talk? Nothing. You don't need to deserve him at the beginning - you need to show him you deserve him in the course of your acquaintance.

And in the end - do you think we would be here if we didn't deserve them?"

 

   
  
_"How do you feel now?"_  
  
_Alexander put his hand on Lauren's forehead and frowned at the feeling of unhealthy flushed skin._  
  
_"Much better, really," John smiled with clenched teeth, putting all his strenght into making the most credible face._  
  
_Hamilton didn't seem to appreciate his effort; his forehead was wrinkled with worry and focus. "How can you be so reckless?"_  
  
_"Falling ill is not a sign of being reckless, Alexander."_  
  
_"You are reckless all the time, not just now."_  
  
_"You are the same, aren't you?"_  
  
_Hamilton's face finally brightened with a shy smile and he laid his hand on Laurens' warm forehead again."Maybe. But at least I'm not as ruthless as you."_  
  
_John blinked quickly, puzzled._  
  
_"You're too cruel to me, John. You came into my life, stole my heart and now you're playing your wicked games with it, and I can't decide if I love or hate you for this. You gave my life a new meaning while at the same time it makes me cry to think of all the bad things that could happen to you. Especially now while you're weakened," he added, leaning down to John. "But be cruel to me, I deserve such punishment for my foolishness."_  
  
_They were so close their noses were practically touching, John could feel Alexander's hot breath on his already flushed cheeks._  
  
_"Foolishness?" he asked in low quiet voice, eyes mapping Hamilton's face._  
  
_"You said falling ill is not a sign of recklessness, I agree. Is falling in love a sign of foolishness? If it is, I am the most tragic fool there's ever been."_


	4. Come on let's make a get away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More flashbacks! Because I love these tender emotional gays head-over-heels in love. Yay.
> 
> Someone please draw a fanart with both Fratte and Lams :D
> 
> Thank you for support etc. You are amazing <3

_"I'm going to miss you, John. You have no idea how much."_  
  
_"I'll be back as soon as possible."_  
  
_"That's not soon enough."_  
  
_"Alexander."_  
  
_"What?"_  
  
_"You're crying."_  
  
_Hamilton swallowed hard. "I am not." He bowed his head and fixed his eyes on his shoes, stained with mud._  
  
_"Alexander, please. Look at me." He cupped Hamilton's face and forced him to raise his head. "Don't cry, don't worsen it, please. I'm begging you. This is my mission, this is what I have always wanted to do. It's important."_  
  
_"I know, I know all of this." His eyes were watering again. "But why does it mean we have to go different ways all the time?"_  
  
_"I swear I will write to everyone, to all of my father's friends who could have some influence, and I will beg them on my knees to send you to me. Maybe for the first time in my life I will be glad for having some connections." He stroked Alexander's cheeks with his thumbs, rubbing away all tears. "Please, Alexander. It's hard enough, don't make it worse. Your tears are like bullets for my heart."_  
  
_"I want to die, John."_  
  
_John placed his hands on Alexander's shoulders and looked him straight in his eyes. "Don't ever say that."_  
  
_"I want to die!" Alexander said again willfully. His teary eyes were giving a clear sign that he wasn't joking._  
  
_"Alexander, no..."_  
  
_"What's the meaning of my life when you're not here?!" Alex finally gave up any good manners and screamed into John's face with all his frustration. "I forgot how to live without you, I don't know how to think and breathe when you're not round. I need you for my life, don't you understand that?"_  
  
_"I really don't."_  
  
_Hamilton's mouth hung open in a wordless surprise._  
  
_"I don't understand," Laurens explained, "how can you be spending all your time giving me virtues I've never had, and falling in love with that false icon you make of me."_  
  
_"I love you, not any false icon, John," Alexander protested, looking like all his feelings have just been hurt in a terrible way._  
  
_"Alex, please, you must understand one thing. I love you too. I don't know how to say it to make you trust me - "_  
  
_"Don't say it then." He took Laurens' hand into his and kissed them both, one after the other, and then looked him in the eyes again with his devoted gaze. "Don't talk about it; show it."_  
  
_Laurens closed the distance between their faces, but before he locked their lips together, he fixed his eyes on Alexander's. He wanted to feel all his emotions, share his love, share his feelings and absorb everything from the younger man; at the same time Alex's eyes were sinking in a complete adoration and love and John couldn't resist him much longer. "Like this?" he muttered and brushed their noses together and then grabbed the back of Alex's head and pulled him closer for a kiss. He heard a muffled moan from Alexander and tightened his embrace as if he was never going to let him out; he also closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the kiss with other senses than sight - he tangled his fingers with Alexander's hair, breathed in his scent, felt his heart beating._  
  
_When their lips parted, they were both panting and John could see a smile spreading on Hamilton's face._  
  
_"Is this - is this what you wanted?" he asked, still partly breathless._  
  
_"I think I need more."_  
  
_"I'll save it for later."_  
  
_Hamilton frowned and backed off a bit._  
  
_"I promise," John smiled._  
  
   
  
   
  
"When did it all go wrong, Katte? How is it possible that in one moment, you're living a joyful life and then - it's all gone and he's not there with you? I thought I was going to be with Alexander through the whole war. I hate to say it like this - but if it wasn't for the war, I would have never met him. And I was happy in the war. There were people dying - but these were the people whom I didn't know. Of course it was tragic, so many young lifes lost in battles and even during disease strokes in the camp - but I have never been happier in my life. We used to walk through our military camp, hand in hand - nobody cared. He used to sit by my bed when I fell sick and had to rest for a few days - I used to be the one who had to persuade him to go to sleep - I used to hold him in my arms until he fell asleep - and then our little peaceful world in the middle of a military mess was ended by my transfer to South Carolina. My heart was torn apart by the inner struggle between my feelings and duty. I went to South Carolina, ready to fight for America and against slavery, and I was proud of my work and endeavor, I truly was. And at the same time I regretted the day I left Alexander. I had that one dream - maybe naive and silly - but I really hoped it would come true - I had a dream that after a few weeks of my mission in South Carolia, I would ask for help - more precisely, for Alexander Hamilton's help. I thought nobody will have objections, I though he would be sent to South Carolina as well - and we would be together again."  
  
He sighed. "Of course it didn't go as planned. All my requests for Hamilton's transfer were rejected."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that."  
  
"I guess I was too naive. I thought that everything would run smoothly - it almost never does."  
  
"Tell me about it."

 

  
  
_"My father wants me to get married, Katte."_  
  
_"It's not unusual," Katte laughed. "He wants to see the crown prince preparing well for taking the throne one day - with wife and children..."_  
  
_"I don't want any of it," the prince frowned. His fingers were nervously playing with tufts of grass he's been lying in while his head was resting in the lieutenant's lap. "I don't want any of it if it means I can't be with you."_  
  
_"We can't be together anyway, my prince - not in the way we'd like to. What would your marriage change?"_  
  
_"How can you say that?"_  
  
_"I'm sorry, mon prince - "_  
  
_"I can't have my heart devoted to you and wear a ring which shows I belong to someone else!" he almost cried. "I would feel like I betrayed you and forsaken you..."_  
  
_"I would know that it's not true. I wouldn't stand in the way, I know you have your duties and responsibilities."_  
  
_"Katte, I can't do that! I don't want to live like that - I can't imagine sharing my life and bed with someone I don't love...some Austrian princess or whoever it's going to be..."_  
  
_"We can never share one life, Frederick, no matter how much we would like to," Katte took advantage of their position and placed his both hands on the prince's head, rubbing his temples as if it was supposed to help him think clearly. "It will never be only you and me."_  
  
_The sadness in his voice was a complete opposite to Frederick's sudden thrill. "Of course we can! Not here, of course - I don't want to stay here. Imagine - imagine if we ran away - "_  
  
_The lieutenant had to laugh. "It's not possible - "_  
  
_"It is, Katte! Imagine the freedom - all the choices we would be able to make with our own minds - imagine us going to France, or England! Wouldn't it be nice? "_  
  
_"It would be, yes - "_  
  
_"We can do it! We can run away - leave this hell behind, start anew in a better place - " His eyes were shining with the power of his new found idea. "Oh, Katte, we can live in France or England in secret - "_  
  
_"It would never work - "_  
  
_"It will! We can live in our own house, we can work, we can live a real life - together."_  
  
_Katte touched Frederick's forehead with his fingertips and caressed it tenderly. "I would love to see us living like that, but believe me, it's not in our power to make it happen."_  
  
_"Why not? I have money, we both speak English and French fluently, there's nothing to stop us."_  
  
_"But, my dear Frederick, think about your father. And your country - this all - " He nodded his head towards the meadows that surrounded them  " - this all will be your country one day. Do you want to abandon it?"_  
  
_"We can come back after my father's death - "_  
  
_"Don't talk like that."_  
  
_"I don't care about my father! I want to live my life - and I want to share it with you." He sat up and started to frantically shake down all the grass and dirt from his clothes. "I don't care about anything else."_  
  
_"Please, consider what you're doing - "_  
  
_"There's nothing you can do to make me change my mind, Hans." He turned to face him. "Except for one thing."_  
  
_"Yes?" Katte asked with hope._  
  
_"If you say you don't want to go with me, I'm not going anywhere." His hand reached Katte's face and he pulled a lock of his hair behind his ear. "Are you willing to go with me, mon amour?"_  
  
_Von Katte looked down on the grass and dirt. "Of course, mon prince. Anything you want."_  
  
_"Why are you so sad? Think of our future - think of all the things we will have - doesn't it fill your heart with happiness?"_  
  
_"I'm happy just to be with you, my Frédérick. It's enough for my heart. And I'll be happy anywhere in the world, as long as you're with me."_


	5. Once you have loved someone this much, you doubt it could fade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the longest chapter yet!  
> Ok, today we're going for more love and emotional sad gays in heaven (though they are now not that sad).  
> There is also one slightly 'sexual scene' - but not really. I would say...PG-13? Maybe? Eh, I don't know. I don't even know why I put this work under "Mature". I think I might change it to "Teens and up"... we'll see.
> 
> Thank you for all the love this story is getting, you make the author of this story really really happy: ;)  
> Excuse my mistakes in English etc.

_My dearest John,_ _New Jersey, 4th August 1779_

  _how painful it is to imagine the distance that separates you and me! I'll have to write all my feelings down on paper and hope they will affect you in the same way they would if told face to face. Everyone misses you dearly but nobody's sorrow over your departure comes close to my own. When will I have the pleasure of seeing you again? Heaven only knows._

_Until then I shall treasure all of our memories and hope for receiving a letter from you every week. I know your mission in the South is draining and important, you have all my admiration and respect for all the things you've done, yet I still feel hurt every time someone else in the camp receives a letter and I don't. And I wish, in all my selfishness, you would have time to write at least twice a week; at least ten words of reassurance you are doing well and you haven't forgotten me. All I wish for now is to see your handwriting, words "Dear Alexander" and "Yours, John" written by the pen that you have held, on the paper that you have touched.  
_

_Call me a sentimental fool but I have to confess - sometimes I put your letters under my pillow before I go to sleep, in a silly hope to be closer to you in my dreams when reality is so cruel to keep us apart constantly._

_John, I don't know how long can I survive like this. It is not living, it's merely surviving from day to day, from one letter to another. Nothing makes sense without you, nothing brings happines into my dreadful being. You ruined my life; now I expect everyone to be at least half as charming as you, which seems to be impossible; all the people around have uninteresting thoughts and their faces seem to need a slap all the time. How could I enjoy their company after I grew used to yours? You can't give me a sip of the best Champagne and then expect me to drink muddy water._

_Hurry back to me, John, I can be happy only with you by my side again. Don't tease my patience. Otherwise I will have to sneak off of the camp, steal the best horse and go seek you in South Carolina myself. This plan appears to be still more and more appealing with every passed day._

_Write me as soon as you're able to. Thousands of pages of your handwriting are not enough to ease my pain of the long separation - what are thousands of words against one embrace, one kiss? And still it's better to receive the shortest message from you, five or ten words of reassurance, than be left alone in heartache._

_Take care of your health and safety, stay alive for me. I'm thinking of you every day, every minute, every second, with every heartbeat. I'm with you all the time in my thoughts. And in my dreams I'm kissing you again. Adieu, my love, adieu, Don't forget this miserable poor thing that you have left in New Jersey in a feverish affection and love. Adieu._

_With infinite affection, love and care; my John, I am yours forever_

_Alexander H._

 

 

Von Katte cleared his throat before starting a new question. "When did you first realize you're helplessly in love?"

John sighed. "I have known that for a long time; I just couldn't name the feeling I've had inside. I was trying to convince myself it's pure and loyal friendship - the kind of war brotherhood, comradeship for life and death. I cared about him too much, but I kept my feelings locked inside. Can you imagine the worst pain inside your chest? That's what I felt. I was living only through him. When he became anxious and worried, I felt sick; when he was happy I had to smile too. Then I realized I cannot imagine my life without him and I also learnt he feels the same way." He curled his lips. "It took me forever to call love by its right name."

"It's understandable - in your situation..."

"I wasn't raised like that, you know? My parents didn't teach me how to express my feelings.. well, definitely not how to tell my fellow soldier that I might have fallen for him."

"You're not supposed to learn that from your parents," Katte laughed out loud but Laurens frowned: "Are you laughing at me?"

Von Katte shook his head and patted his shoulder. "No, no, not in the slightest, _my dear Laurens_ \- "

"Please," he begged, not happy about the words the Prussian has decided to use. "Don't...don't call me that. I'm really sorry if it sounds silly, but - but I don't want anyone but him calling me that."

"Oh, of course - I see. It's not silly at all. I won't use these words if they are reserved for _your_ Alexander."

"Thank you," Laurens murmured. "It's not your fault, you couldn't know that."

"It's alright. And I wasn't laughing at you before. Only the thought of your parents teaching you how to say I love you made my smile. You can't be taught that, it's not possible. There's no right nor wrong way to say it, it must be coming from you, from deep down your heart. Only you and your true feelings."

"I wish I had known how to do that, but something was always telling me it's not right to talk about my feelings. I was always telling him I love him only in return to his own declarations of love... I've never been the first one to say it, which makes me now angry at myself. I had so many chances to do so!"

"Actions are worthier and more powerful than words."

"I know." A sad smile crossed his face for a while. "He told me so as well. _I wish, my dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you_."

"That's beautiful. Did he write that?"

"He wrote so much more. He always used words and actions equally to show his affection; I hardly ever admitted I felt something for him."

"I'm sure he knew."

"I need to tell him everything about my feelings and fears and devotion - I shall tell him everything." His sad smile disappeared and was replaced by a determined look. "What about you and your feelings? Did you express them right?"  
"Well," Katte shifted on the bench and chuckled under his breath. "I think I have convinced my prince that I love him by both words and actions."

And he looked at John Laurens with a confident and mysterious smile.

 

 

_"Je t'aime pour la vie," Frederick whispered into the silence of his room. Sleep had no chance tonight, as long as he was lying in von Katte's arms. He would like to fall asleep in his lieutenant's comforting embrace one night, but for now it seemed to be too dangerous. His bedroom was definitely not the safest place to be, the old king could decide he wants to check his son's clothing and books even in the midnight and he could storm into the room, paying them an unwanted visit, although at this time, Frederick expected the king to be with his comrades, drinking and smoking and talking about the same boring things they always did._

_For now, Katte and him were hopefully safe._

_"Je sais, mon prince, je sais."_

_Katte was holding him tight and Frederick felt secure in his arms like he has never done before. The lieutenant was sitting on the prince's bed in his uniform, immaculate and elegant as the gentleman he was, and Frederick was lying in his arms in complete surrender and peaceful harmony. This was one of their rare moments of happiness; pure unspoiled happiness of being held by each other, able to listen to their heartbeats and whisper sweet French nonsenses into each other's ear. Katte couldn't take his eyes off of the prince and his perfect porcelain skin which looked even more beautiful in the light of three simple white candles lit by the bed._

_"Vous êtes le plus bel homme dans le monde, Frédérick," he muttered and pressed his lips on the back of the prince's head. He loved the smell of his hair; he could never get enough of its softness. He buried his face into Frederick's hair and heard the prince laugh in amusement._

_"You seem to love my hair too much, my dear Katte."_

_"I love you whole too much, my dear prince," Katte replied and kissed the back of his head again. "I love the though of you being here just like that...it's...it's only you, the real you..."_

_The prince turned his head up to look at him with interest in his eyes. "Yes?"_

_"I mean... You're not even wearing uniform nor your everyday clothes, you're lying here in your nightshirt..."_

_The smile on Frederick's face widened. Katte was the one who had to be dressed and ready to escape through the window in case of danger._

_"...and you're not playing any role now. You don't need to play any - now you are not supposed to be the crown prince, you don't have to act like one...you don't have to pretend anything, this is... This is the real you and you're lying here, wearing your nightshirt but it's almost as if you were bare and naked... You - you don't need to pretend anything when you're here with me, you don't have to act regarding to anyone's expectation.... It's just you..."_

_His voice caught in his throat and instead of more words he let out a sob._

_"Katte?" The prince looked up to him just to see his beloved biting his lip and desperately trying not to cry. "Mon trésor - "_

_"My love," Katte whispered and closed his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks. "My beautiful, infinite, precious love."_

_"Darling - "_

_"Let me love you forever, let me kiss the ground you walked," he started with eyes closed, repeating the words 'let me' in a manner of a mad tribal shaman, "let me sleep on the floor by your bed, let me breathe in the dust from your clothes, let me drown in the way you talk, let me lick your fingers and worship your body, let me - "_

_"Oh, Hans, please - "_

_"Let me be yours. "_

_Frederick took his face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together, causing Katte to open his eyes._

_"Hans, mon amour," he muttered, breathing in is scent. "J'ai besoin de toi."_

_"Oui, oui, chéri, oui mille fois - "_

_"I want you to be my lover in every possible meaning," he whispered, not able to wait any longer, and pulled his lieutenant even closer, into hungry kiss. The moment they locked lips, Katte knew this was the beginning of something new, a new form of relationship - he's awoken something that was buried deep inside the young prince, he's awoken the hunger and lust and passion - and the though of him and prince being as Frederick himself has said "lovers in every possible meaning", filled him with a new wave of love and devotion. "I want you to be the first one, Katte... I don't want to marry any English nor Austrian princess, but if I have to, I want to remember this moment, this night, and you - " He was blushing and his pupils went wide. "Je t'aime et je t'appartiens. S'il te plait, Hans, prends-moi."_

_Katte felt his heart stop. This was something unbelievable. He's dreamt of this, of course he did, but never in his dreams was Frederick so desirous and determined._

_"Please, Katte." Frederick reached for the first button on Katte's uniform. "Take me."_

_"But...." He wanted to protest, he wanted to say something about the danger of this situation, but as soon as Frederick's fingers touched his bare skin, he couldn't think of any objections. "Frederick," he moaned silently._

_"I'm all yours."_


	6. Despite how much you'd like it to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad gays in heaven are back. <3 I love you all, dear readers.  
> I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
> 
> Sorry for mistakes in English and typos  
> & feedback is always more than welcome ;)

"It seems like we've talked about everything," Laurens started, carefully choosing every word. "Except for one thing."

Von Katte raised his eyebrows lazily. "Really? What is that?"

That was the difficult part.

"I think we've discussed all the important things in our lives, but we forgot to...talk about the moments that...that caused our current situation..."

"You mean _our deaths_?" It looked as von Katte's face lost something of its cheerful look and his lips pulled into a thin line.

"I - I didn't want to say it like this - - - I understand if you don't feel like talking about it, please, don't think that I don't respect your privacy or - "

"You apologize too much, Laurens," von Katte interrupted him, still somewhat cold in his expression. "It's not always helpful."

Laurens took a breath to say "I'm sorry", but remembered Katte's complaint and decided to ask instead: "You don't mind talking about death then?"

"It's not about the death.... Dying was easy. I had no fear of pain, I knew my suffering shall soon end - I was not afraid."

"I had no time to think about it. Death caught me...unprepared. There was no time for saying goodbye, leaving notes or feeling pain - "

"I suppose our deaths could not differ more."

"Maybe - although our lives seems to be quite similar, don't you think?"

"Practically the same when it comes to loving the least suitable person around," Katte nodded, unable to hide the bitter undertone of his words.

"I really am sorry, Katte, if I've said something wrong. I didn't mean to - "

"Please - don't - "

That was when Laurens noticed how strangely glistening Katte's eyes were; as if he was ill or crying. "Katte - "

" _Oh God no_."

It was all he could say before tears flooded his eyes. He bit his lip immediately as if to silent a sob, and quickly looked away, hoping that maybe his new American friend will not notice how he has just embarassed himself with all those feelings.

"Katte, whatever it is that's made you upset - I'm sorry about it!" John made and awkward move closer to Hans, and then, unsure if there actually was anything left for him to do to comfort the crying man, placed his hands on Katte's shoulders and started rubbing them gently. "I had no idea... We don't have to talk about it."

"I want to talk - _we will talk_ about it," Katte sobbed, lips shaking. "Death is not what upsets me - it's the thought that _I ruined his life_ with my death...while all I have ever wanted to do was keep him safe and happy, spare him any difficulties - build him a new world, sweet Utopia to live in - " His words got lost in a desperate mumbling.

Laurens ran out of ideas how to comfort him by words, he was afraid that any new word could make things even worse and seeing his new friend crying in quiet desperation hurt him. He has never created a bond to anyone so quickly, he has never felt an immediate friendship like this one. "All apologies," he whispered softly, rubbing circles on Katte's back. He felt how tense the Prussian was, and how his body was shaking in the embrace, and when Katte buried his head in John's neck, he could even feel how hot his tears were. "I've never intended this, I know it must have been tragic..."

" _You know nothing_ , John," Katte mumbled. " _Nothing_."

"Then tell me the whole story. Tell me everything - no, tell me _everything you want to tell_."

There was no reaction from the Prussian as he was too busy wiping his tears away and trying to catch his breath again. He pulled away from John and smiled apologetically, with all the sorrow in his hazel eyes.

"You told me you died in a battle," he started, voice still weak and shaky with the remains of crying. "And that you had no time to say goodbye to anyone - "

"Yes. Though it was not even a battle - more like a skirmish. Not exactly a heroic way to die when the war is already won."

Katte forced a smile on his lips. "I suppose you had no idea you see your Alexander for the last time - when you were saying goodbye to him."

"Of course not. I was....I was almost sure we would meet soon, it seemed so natural. Alexander didn't want to let me go - he begged me not to go and I laughed at him for being overprotective and possessive. _If I only knew_ \- If I knew it's the last time - "

"That's it. You didn't know it's your last chance to say goodbye, that it's the last time you see him. _I did_."

"I envy you."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

His lips curled into a cruel smile. "I even got to talk to him before my death."

"I wish I had that chance - !"

"He was forced by his father to watch me getting beheaded - at his father's command."

Laurens' attempt to say something failed.

He swallowed hard.

"Do you still envy me?" Katte asked quietly.

"No - no! No, it's... it's terrible - it's....God, I had no idea! I'm - I'm sorry - it's... Christ, it's more than terrible!"

"The worst feeling was...when he was ner and yet I couldn't reach him. He looked like he's lost his mind. I'll never forget his screams and crying - I've seen him crying many times before, with both happiness and sadness - but I have never seen him _like this_ \- he was _in pain_. It was screaming and crying of a tortured man, who's being torn apart from inside - and _I was there_ , watching him, not able to do _anything_. I was about to die and it was him who suffered greater pain in that moment. I've never hated myself more - it was _me_ who was causing him such pain."

 "How can you say that? It was not your fault - "

"I promised to protect him _come what may_. Don't you understand? He was in prison at the moment of my execution - he was losing his mind, and as his screams and howls reached my ears, I could feel my heart shatter into million pieces. It was too easy to die - and I took the easy way out. He was the one who had to live on. I welcomed death as a kind of rescue from the life in which I've failed so terribly."

"You did not fail! For God's sake, Katte, I wish I had done all the things you did in your life! You deserve his love forever - " He grabbed Katte's hand in an attempt to make his words sound more trustworthy. "Believe me - it will not take long. We shall meet our beloved ones soon."


	7. God, how'd you like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex is extremely clingy and wants to hear "I love you"s all the time. (I'm sorry) :D  
> This whole chapter is (and the next one will be) a flashback. As you might guess - it's a flashback of the last moments they spent together (in this chapter it's about Alex and John, the next one will be about Fritz and Katte).
> 
> Sorry for mistakes in English, typos and illogical behaviour.  
> Feedback is welcome! <3

_"Why do you always leave? Why can't we stay together at least for a while?"_

_The younger man's pleads were breaking his heart, but he couldn't admit it. He had to be strong, comfort Alexander and wipe the tears away from his flushed cheeks._

_"It's always like this!" Another desperate sob escaped Hamilton's lips. "Don't you want to stay? Am I not enough for you?"_

_"You know you mean everything to me, Alex." He tried to smile; it was impossible. The redhead in front of him was crying openly, and his eyes, usually full of hunger for adventure and glory, were full of tears. "Alexander, you must not cry. Think of the future - think of our reunion. I'll be waiting for you in Charleston."_

_"But when, John?" He looked up at the taller man, tears still rolling down his cheeks._

_John reached his hand and placed it on Alexander's burning cheek, his long fingers meeting with the soft skin and water trails. "I'll let you know when the time is right."_

_"Don't say that, please - "_

_"I'll do everything to make it possible for us to meet there."_

_"Don't make promises you have no intention to keep."_

_He stared at Alexander, mouth half open in a genuine surprise. "What do you mean?"_

_"You promised to stay with me so many times, John. And now? Look at us, saying goodbye again. As always."_

_His bitter tone made John's hand fall slowly back down. "We're in the war, I hoped you had noticed. It's not my choice that I'm being sent away from you."_

_"Really? You asked for this, you asked to serve under Greene's command in Carolina - " The hint of anger was now clear in Hamilton's voice, although a reflection of pain was still present on his face._

_"It's for the country!"_

_"I'm fighting for this country too and I know what it takes."_

_"Then you must understand this - "_

_"It's not about the country, dammit!" Hamilton clenched his fists and spurted out all those words out at once. "It's about us!"_

_There was a heavy silence between them before Hamilton took another breath. "Don't you ever think about us, John?"_

_"Of course I do - ," he stated, unsure of what does Hamilton want to hear._

_"Don't you think about the life we could have had? Or the life we could possibly have in future?"_

_Should he say the truth? Should he say he can't imagine their future? Should he say that he has no idea what the future holds for them? Should he talk about their commitments to other people, possibly mention that they are both married? -_

_Alexander shook his head and smiled sadly in disappointment. "You don't, do you?"_

_"I do - "_

_"You would behave differently if you really meant it - "_

_"I'm sorry I'm not the John Laurens you've created in your imagination."_

_"There's no imaginary John Laurens -" Alexander made an hasty attempt to approach John again, reach for his hand, made some contact with him again - and almost gasped in surprise when John reacted aversively, putting his hands behind his back to avoid Hamilton's touch. "It's you, it's always been you," he added, emphasizing the importance of the word you. "It's you whom I love - "_

_John succesfully avoided all eye-contact. "What is that you want from me, Alex?"_

_"Isn't it clear enough? I want to know your feelings - you don't have to show them to anybody else, but when we are together like this, when it's only you and me, I want to know what you feel -  John...," he said, sheepishly gazing at him. "I'm sorry if I was unfair to you when I said you don't care about me enough - I'm sorry if I hurt you by anything I have ever said - "_

_"You're confusing me, Alex."_

_"Oh."_

_Hamilton lowered his head; this time it was him who ran out of words and facial expressions._

_"You - you always talk too much," he continued uncomfortably. "And you talk about loving me and then you critisize me for not loving you enough, then you get offended and run away, and when duty calls you cry that I'm leaving you again - "_

_"Isn't love supposed to be confusing?" Alexander asked sadly._

_"I don't know what you expect from me - I don't even know how to be with you, how to make you happy. I love you, but I'm not sure if it's the kind of love you need - and I'm sorry but I can't see any bright future ahead of us. There are other people in our lives that we committed ourselves to."_

_Alexander nodded silently, head still lowered._

_"Alex, listen to me, please. I love you, don't ever doubt it. My love may not be as fiery as yours - but it's there. You asked me about my feelings, you said you want me to tell you about it - this is all I can say. I love you."_

_Without a word, Alex reached for his hand and wrapped it tightly before tucking it to his chest, smiling softly - this time, John was not resisting the touch. "That's all I want to hear John. I'm aware of our commitments, and I know there might be no bright future for us, but as long as I know you love me, I'm happy. I had to hear it before you go - and I want to hear it every day."_

_"I shall write to you every day then."_

_"And wait for me in Charleston."_

_"I will."_

_"If you really mean it, don't break your promises this time."_

_"I won't."_


	8. You'd like it to fade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here - the chapter about von Katte's last moments.  
> (Both Frederick and von Katte got arrested for the attempt to flee Prussia for England and the king accused them of commiting treason.) That's all you need to know for now.  
>  
> 
> Thank you for kudos and comments; feedback is as always welcome! ;)

_"Katte!"_

_This simple shriek was brought to him by the cold morning wind that was blowing all around the fortress. He shivered; not from the cold but because of the enormous pain in Frederick's voice._

_He dared to turn his head to the place where that desperate cry came from._

_My love, be strong. Don't let them have the pleasure of seeing your pain, don't let them think they've broken you - don't let me see you like this. Don't cry._

_Oh, God, please. Don't cry._

_Don't break my heart now._

_"Katte!"_

_Frederick's face was unhealthily pale and it carried the mad expression, eyes wide open, with dark circles underneath, and with those precious soft hair ruffled and messy, hanging around his face, which was marked by a few trails of dried blood._

_"Katte."_

_His voice cracked down into a howl as he gripped and tried to shake the prison window bars._

_""Apologies, Katte - thousand apologies! - forgive me everything!"_

_The pain of seeing Frederick like this is unbearable. He knows it will be over for him in a few minutes - but for Frederick? He must be so scared and lonely and angry, all at once, in his prison cell - and he's not going to get merciful death from the hands of the executioner._

_"Be strong," Katte tries to shout, but his throat is too tight by now, so these words come out quiet as a whisper that barely passed his lips. "Think of the good times we had."_

_He sees Frederick screaming something at the soldiers that are standing behind him but the prince's voice is too harsh and hysterical so he can't understand the exact words he's yelling - he only sees how two soldiers, standing behind Frederick, pushed him closer to the window._

_Katte looks into his beloved's eyes again. He'd give anything for the chance to pull Fritz into a hug, kiss him and stroke his hair before whispering soft comforting words into his ear. None of it is possible now._

_The executioner asks him if he's ready; he nods._

_If this is his fate, he will accept it with honor._

_He can hear Frederick screaming again but doesn't want to look at him anymore, he doesn't want to cry in the last moments of his life._

_Accepting death was easy. Accepting the fact that he's going to leave Frederick proved to be much harder._

_The executioner spoke again, offering him a blindfold. He shook his head._

_"Please, stop it! STOP IT! I want to talk to the king! Delay the execution! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?! WAIT! I'm the crown prince, I know my rights! I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY FATHER Stop this madness!"_

_Frederick's voice sounds distant and like from a different world. He's still fighting, trying to change the unalterable, wasting his energy and tears on useless screams and yells._

_It's over, Frédérick._

_The executioner shows him the place to kneel down. The ground is cold and dirty and Katte has to smirk when he remembers it will not bother him for too long._

_"Katte, please!" Frederick still cries, and it makes Hans raise his head and look at him again; for the last time._

_"Forgive me, my dear, please! Can you forgive me?" He catches Frederick's desperate glance, the helpless look of need of reassurance and love. "In God's name, please - forgive me." Tears are rolling down his face and he's not fighting with his escort anymore. He's standing still, desperately clutching the window bars._

_"There is nothing to forgive, mon prince. For you I die with joy in my heart."_

_He can't take it anymore. Frederick's look, his shaky voice and beat face - he can't bear looking at this scene any longer. It's all his fault, it's his failure - and his punishment._

_"I'm ready," he says to the executioner, eyes still fixed on the prince._

_Goodbye, Frédérick; I'll be waiting on the other side._

_He breaks the intense gaze into which he tried to put all his love, dedication and affection, and bows his head. He catches a glimpse of the executioner's feet and the sword he's holding._

_Then he closes his eyes._

_Adieu, mon prince._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Historical accuracy time!  
> Poor Hans. The most devoted person in history (probably). He was beheaded for planning an escape (which also meant deserting the army) to England with the crown prince.  
> Here's a bit from Wikipedia's article about his death:  
> "Katte was beheaded at the fortress of Küstrin where the king forced Frederick to watch the execution. However when he was brought up to be executed, Frederick shouted in French to Katte, "Veuillez pardonner mon cher Katte, au nom de Dieu, pardonne-moi!" ("Please forgive, my dear Katte, in God's name, forgive me."). Katte called back in the same language, "There is nothing to forgive, I die for you with joy in my heart!" Frederick then fell to the floor in a dead faint".


	9. Let's fade together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry about this very very late update (senior year of high school started so...yay). 
> 
> It's going to have another chapter and then - an epilogue. (Probably). I'm not sure about anything now :D
> 
> As always: I'm sorry for mistakes and typos and basically everything. And I really apologize for the long delay.

"This is horrible," Laurens dared to speak when Katte has finished his story. "I can't imagine the pain and fear that you both had to experience."

"I've learned how to bear it by now."

"It doesn't make it any less horrible."

Katte shrugged his shoulders. "I don't particulary care about it now anymore - "

"My God, Katte, what have the world done to deserve you?"

"Don't get carried away with emotions, John."

"I gladly would - how come I have never heard this story of yours? - how come nobody tells the story of sacrifice of Hans Hermann - "

"It was no sacrifice - and besides, it's not a nice story to be told."

"You were too good for that world."

"If you think so - "

"You always need to have the last word, don't you?"

Katte simply laughed it off; Laurens' admiration and almost childish adoration were of course flattering, he hadn't heard words of such great fondness for a very long time. He also found it really hard to remember that this enthusiastic young man is in fact older than himself.

"I'm really glad to have met you - I can't imagine going through this phase of waiting with anyone else," Laurens mumbled with bowed head. Katte tried to think of something as nice and warm to say in return, but before he could transform any of his thoughts into words, the Southerner threw his arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace.

It was the abrupt action that left Katte speechless for a while - he wasn't used to this kind of intimacy anymore. Nobody has hugged him like this for more than fifty years and so it felt somehow new and exciting; Laurens' spontaneity won the Prussian's heart and he gave in to the warmth of the hug.

"I tried to imagine," Laurens muttered into his hair and Katte thought for himself that maybe they were being too friendly, "myself in your position - and Alexander as the crown prince. If I were you, I would have cried and begged for mercy."

"I knew it's not going to help me."

"But still - I would have died just of heartbreak because of knowing I'm going to lose him forever."

"It's not _quite forever_ , remember that."

"How long have you been waiting again?"

"Fifty-sixyears now," Katte answered . Laurens followed his gaze and saw the reason why Katte's been so sure about the time spent here - there was some kind of a calendar hanging on the nearest wall. The only way to tell it from a regular calendar was the way it was arranged. Each paper was representing a year, not a month. Laurens couldn't remember if he saw someone walking to the wall and tearing off the sheets of passed years or not. Then he thought of the time he has spent here - four years already? 

So it really wasn't as bad as he'd been afraid.

The thought of four years passing on the Earth seemed rather sad for him. It's been four years since he had seen Alexander for the last time. What has Alexander been doing since than? Does he miss him? Does he wake up in the middle of the night with an inexplicable urge to check every room of his house in hope to find John alive again? Does he think about him - does he remember the days and nights in Valley Forge? Isn't it all just a thing of the past for him? Is he living in peace and love with his wife? No, no, it's not Alexander's style, he was never capable of living a peaceful life, not with all the vivid and lively images and visions in his pretty red-haired head.

And most importantly - is he happy? Once, he told John he could never be happy without him. Has he found his happiness now?

 He finally let Katte out of the embrace with a new question: "Aren't you afraid of the moment of reunion?"

"Not at all."

"I am."

"Why?"

"He's going to be different from how I remember him. Nobody stays the same for their whole life. What if he changes too much?"

"You're overthinking, John. Just let everything go its way and you'll see. Think of him as the person you love and miss - "

"But what if he's no longer the person I fell in love with?"

"Don't worry about it _now_. Your waiting for the love of your life and you don't want anything to spoil it, do you? You'll see that your worries - "

His speech was cut off as he gasped and blinked a few times, eyes fixed somewhere in the distance - his mouth hung open with simple " _Oh God_ ". He looked like someone struck by lightning, someone whole life has just been changed by a visionary idea or someone who had the opportunity to take a look into the future - he was both speechless and motionless. But by the time Laurens understood the meaning of his behaviour, he already shook the shock off and hurriedly stood up. John was watching him with curiosity. He expected Katte to rush over to the place he's been staring at, but Katte seemed to hesitate for a moment.

Then he smoothed his hair and adjusted the white coat he's been wearing.

" _What are you waiting for_? Just go."

Laurens had to smile. He hasn't seen Katte nervous yet, and it was funny to watch - but at the same time he tried to imagine all the emotions and feelings that Katte had to fight with now.

The Prussian glanced over at him and there was everything in his look - the fragile look of love combined with fear and hope. 

" _Go_ ," Laurens repeated with a smile. He would swear he heard the Prussian's frantically beating heart.

Von Katte let out a shaky sigh and finally made took the first step away from Laurens.

Just now Laurens looked at the place Katte was heading to and finally saw the person Katte has been talking so much about, the person who was the reason of Katte's death, the person who was still so loyally loved by Katte and who has just came to Heaven - _Frederick_.


	10. Let's fade forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm S O R R Y.
> 
> There's at least one other chapter planned. 
> 
> As alaways, sorry for mistakes in my English.
> 
> Hans Hermann von Katte's POV, actually

You haven't changed, not at all.

How is this possible? 

_What about that uniform, Frederick? Are you forced to wear it even now? Have you grown used to it? Are you ready to wear it for the rest of your....existence?_

You're not looking at me. You're new to this place, and your senses still can't quite cope with that. You're new to _all of this_ ; I've been here for the last damned fifty-six years. 

_And it was worth it, every single second of it._

You're looking around as if you were a sweet innocent girl who has just come to her first ball and she's amazed by all the people around - you have never believed in this, have you? Are you stunned? Are you surprised? I can't see your face that well to recognize these emotions, but I am sure you are amazed by everything around.

Then you turn your head and I know it's only a question of _milliseconds_  - - -

Your face changes when you realize it's me, standing here. I won't lie - I love the look of pure surprise and love that lit your face up.

My steps are not quick enough and it feels like an eternity has passed until I'm finally closer to you, so close that I can see those teary eyes of yours.  I understand your situation better than you think. I know you're probably drowning in emotions by now, but I want you to be happy - as happy as you once used to be when we were together.

And we are together again. My prayers have been answered.

You take my hands and I can feel the touch, I remember we've done this thousand times and I recall it all, all the touches and kisses and memories.

" _Hans_?" you ask in an unsure voice, the voice I missed so dearly. 

I want to answer, I should tell you about the time spent here and all the time I prayed for your happiness down there on the Earth - but I can't get the words right, and I think I've lost my voice too. All I can do is to cast my eyes down and hope you know my sentiments.

You do, I know you do. 

" _Hans_."

 Before I can try and presumably fail in another attempt to speak, you lift my hand to your lips and place a delicate kiss on it as if you were the one subordinated to me. You hold my hand longer with your head still lowered, and then press your lips on it again - and again - and again, and then it's suddenly not just soft kisses anymore, you press your whole face against my hand and by the time I realize you're shaking, you just fall down on your knees, still desperately holding onto my hand, squeezing it a little too hard - 

It hurts, but not nearly as much as hearing the harsh sobs coming from your mouth.

_Don't do this to me, don't torture me, my prince, please, I can't take this anymore - I can't see you like this...again_

Haven't we both been through hell already?

" _Frédéric_ ," I finally manage to speak, although my voice is as shaky as your hand. " _Mon prince."_

If you can't stand right now, then I shall sit next to you. Just let me take care of you.

Let me hug you.

Let me wipe those tears away.

And when we're both on our knees, equally shocked by the long-awaited moment that has finally come and unable to say anything, I can be the one who takes your hands and kisses them both, one after another. You're still my prince. I'm still your loyal _friend_. _Adjutant_. _Lover_. Whichever name you choose.

 " _I'm sorry -_ "

These are your first words. But you've already excused yourself million times - there and then, in Küstrin, I remember that - and I don't want any more of this.

" _-_ I'm sorry for everything - I've never forgiven myself - I made a promise ... a promise to keep you safe... _"_

"I'm right here with you - we're both safe now."

"I caused you so much pain - "

You won't even raise your eyes to look at me - that's what hurts _right now_ , Frederick. "Look at me. _Please_. Look at me."

And you obey fearfully as if we were back there, in your father's palace, hiding from him and his loud and vulgar insults - but we are not. We don't need to hide anymore. You look as beautiful as ever but I can't stand those tear stained cheeks - I cup your face and rub my thumbs over the wet streams that come down to your chin. "I've never stopped loving you, Frederick. Not in Küstrin, not now. We are meant to be together. Nothing can tear us apart - not tor your father, not death, not any contingency - "

I think we're both crying by now.

Then I feel your breath on my lips - "Kiss me," you almost beg, with a hoarse voice and closed eyes, "kiss me and make me forget _all_ of our pasts - "

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, so I fulfil your wish with the eagerness of the past fifty-six years, with all the love and care I saved for you.

When our lips part, you smile - no, no, you actually laugh, and with that all my worries are gone, _oh God_ , _you're here with me_.

"I almost lost my hope, Hans."

"You've always been a non-believer."

"And I still can't quite believe - "

"You better do. Can't you feel it? This - this is me - my eyes, my lips, my hair - "

"It's _you_."

"And it's _you and me_ , once again. Come on, let's get up. There's so much to talk about."

"There's so much to do!"

Yes, that's true. _We wasted our lives, let's not waste this moment_. 

There is just one little thing to do before we can disappear into a quiet corner and be together, _just the two of us_.

"I want you to meet someone, Frédéric."

You wipe your reddish eyes roughly, still too proud to be seen crying by anyone else that me. "Yes?"

"I met a young man whose story really touched my heart - that poor lad left behind his beloved friend - "

" _A friend?_ "

"A _very special_ friend. I'm sure you understand. He's waiting for him now - we talked and we shared our stories, so he knows about ... _us_. I want him to see that this all is real and that he will meet his loved one as well - "

"Let's go then". 

 

You're not even shaking anymore when I take you by the hand.

The look in your eyes is now peaceful.

 

_Now everything is alright._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now you can scream at me

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is welcome! <3


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